Remote Chime
All poets: please read this poem- do you have any comments or suggestions on how to improve it?
The following is a poem I wrote- THIS PIECE IS MY PROPERTY AND MY WORK! Please comment, critique it, or make any suggestions you like. I want some honest scrutiny. I think that the poem is good, so how can I make it outstanding? Anyone is welcome to comment. Thank you in advance!
Title: Ebony Diadem
The Fox chases after the rabbit
The twelfth chime resounds
Singing drifts through the quiet forest
Following tracks that the rain has obscured.
The hunter moves in stealthy silence
The old river waxes desperate
Sunbeams of hope touch cold, dry rocks
The wandering beasts of justice sleep.
Weird, remote sounds of the woods arise
The sun becomes shy
Clouds of the past go beyond the vanishing point
The mountains wear ebony diadems.
The clock stops ticking
The campfire peters out
Day crawls into a cave to hibernate-
The land is swallowed by the eeriness of dusk.
Awesome poem! I really like the idea with ”singing drifts through the quiet forest”… kind of eerie, and chilling…. in a good way.
The only line that I could imagine changing would be ”the campfire peters out”…. I would have done something more like ”the campfire smolders out”. Pretty much the same concept but I don’t care for the word ”peters”…. it’s just not that poetic of a word, in my opinion.
Other than that, I love it. It reminds me of lyrics I would see in a Fleet Foxes song. You should look them up… they are a really cool band.
Wheelock E70-RSS Remote Strobe Fire Alarm Test
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